Mine To Heal

By Ishki R

You’re espresso, bitter and bold

Chilled

And you could be warm

Could be fluid

Could be amicable, mix well with others

But God you cling to your tiny little cup, refusing to warm, refusing to open up, refusing to grow

And I can’t make you.

I tried to encourage, but nobody can force someone quite so determined can they?

 

At some point, I grew accustomed.

Fond, even.

Charmed.

 

God you’re charming.

 

I’m sure it started forever ago

Though not entirely sure when

(Or am I?)

 

Was it at midnight when I was the only one you told how lonely you really were?

How heartbroken the one-night stand had made you?

How empty you felt?

 

Was it when you confided the darkest thoughts you had on humanity?

 

Was it the shared songs sent over dial-up waiting for days only to be intrigued and sing along because those meant something to each of us?

 

Did it mean something?

 

 

I ask, because I fell.

 

But I fell a long time ago and never admitted it

How naive I was to think I could bear the weight of it

Tolerate it

 

I carved out space for you in my flesh and you took it up, even though you never asked for it, and never thanked

(And I never asked for thanks)

And you whispered things

Dark things

And I assured you, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay

It’s not scary, it’s safe

I’m here, I promise, I’m safe

 

But I wasn’t, not from you

 

And you worked your way in like a splinter under my nail

But I don’t have the tools needed to get you out from so deep

and you’re stuck

Some dark stain, just left there

And I don’t know what to do with all these tiny little pieces of you that were left behind in me

Little facts, worries, wounds, pains, tears

Left in seclusion

In safety

 

And I’m left alone

 

To blame, of course

 

I never even got an answer

You were there and then not

 

Gone

 

And I’ll never really truly know but I can guess all the directions I’d be blamed and all the pathetic meagre ways you’d pin it on me, say I fooled myself, I believed what I wanted but you

 

Are the one who whispered words like honey

Those things that you should have never said

Because you never meant them

And I knew but damn if hope doesn’t spring eternal and I’m a hopeless romantic

 

I knew, deep down, it wasn’t hope blooming

I knew it was a wound

A gaping, mawing wound and that it was slowly eating me alive to keep you safe and damn

 

 

Damn

 

 

I don’t even exist to you anymore, I’m sure

 

But I still hope you find peace, peace, peace

 

Growth is personal

 

But your wound is not mine to heal.

1 Comment

  • Reply Maureen Pickett May 2, 2018 at 3:00 pm

    Wow love all the poems. Blown away, enchanting, truthful, insightful and powerful. Thanks for sharing babe

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